Pet Sematary

Let me get this out right now. I don't like Stephen King. I don't like his books and I don't like his movies. Other than "The Shining" (which benefits from the direction of Stanley Kubrick) "It" was the closest I ever came to liking a Stephen King movie, and even then it still seemed incredibly, incredibly stupid.
And that's the miracle! I LOVE stupid horror movies! Yet somehow, King manages to find a way to make bad horror movies that are just bad. There's nothing in them. There isn't even the satisfaction of a bad horror movie.
So. With that out of the way. Allow me to describe to you "Pet Sematary"
...
It starts out as a very traditional Stephen King movie. There is a happy group of people (in this case a family), who move someplace new. Trucks drive very very fast on the road. Because of this lots of pets die. The plot reveals itself like a children's book.
The movie starts out strong by giving away it's own ending. The little boy of the family is, at the very start of the movie, ALMOST ran over by a truck. But don't worry! He isn't! There's just very fast traffic nearby! So much so that lots of pets die! So much so that they have their own cemetary just for pets! Obviously, nothing will be run over in this movie.

By the way, I might add that the cemetary has its own path leading to it that STARTS AT THE HOUSE THE FAMILY JUST MOVED INTO.
Well, okay. I mean, no surprise there. The title is "pet sematary", of course the cemetary must be involved somehow!
Wwwwwell.... actually. No. It isn't really.
No I'm not joking.
The only purpose the pet cemetary serves, as far as I can make out, is Stephen King telling us we have to accept death. Seriously.
Other than that, it isn't a plot device. So don't worry. No zombie cats.

OH WAIT. What am I talking about?! There ARE zombie cats!

SO GUESS WHAT. Beyond the pet cemetary is an ANCIENT INDIAN BURIAL GROUND. The family cat is run over and the neighbor nearby takes the father of the new family beyond the pet cemetary to this ancient indian burial ground and instructs him to bury the cat there for no given reason!!!! It's in the shape of a pentagram!! And the father does as he's told!!! Why?

I have no f***ing clue.

So yeah. The cat comes back to life. And honestly, I cannot tell you how many times the movie chose to "surprise" us with that goddamn cat. While watching, you may ask yourself... is the suspense beginning to build? Is the camera claustrophobic? Does it feel like something is about to happen?
Well. 9 times out of 10, it will probably be the cat. The zombie cat.

Now of course. I told you the kid dies. And the father is TORMENTED. And I guess he goes crazy? And decides to ressurect his son at the ancient indian burial ground shaped like a pentagram that everyone says brings people back to life as demons.
But the dad's gonna do it anyway!
Git' er done! Dad!
...
Everything goes wrong.

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Is this a good movie? No.
Is this a good bad movie? No.
Honestly, it just felt bad. It made you feel bad watching it. It was like the movie was trying to tell me something but the message was so dumb I just wanted everyone to shut up. Do we need to be taught that we need to "accept death"? More importantly, do we need horror movies to teach us things? Maybe that we are horrible, or maybe that blood is red, I don't think it goes much further. This movie bored me so much that I PLAYED SUDOKU through 3/4 of it.

Plot is mere triviality. The holes are disturbingly large, even for a horror movie. Character motivations are stupid. Really. They are stupid. Everyone in this movie is just stupid.

However. There is one thing that honestly brought me some enjoyment. One line that was spoken. When I heard it, I wrote it down immediately.
Here it is:
"Today is Thanksgiving day for cats... but only if they came back from the DEAD"

Otherwise, it's unenjoyable. It's not silly, it's not scary, it's stupid and you should watch something else.

-Oh, and I will mention that Fred Gwynne is in this movie, the actor for Herman Munster. He was the only enjoyable part. (other than Thanksgiving for cats)